That Saturday afternoon at the beach was breezy, but not cold. I didn’t bring a sweater, but I winded up with his. We walked along the pier, looked at dolphins, and I thought “This is it, this is when he’ll ask me.” But he didn’t. So I sent my friends to talk to him. But he kissed me beneath the pier that night, a smug smile as if asking me to be his girlfriend was his own idea, as if I hadn’t just sent several of my friends to tell him to just do it.
It was 2006. October 21, 2006.
Then many years later, I remember standing beneath that same pier while I forced myself to deal with the conflicting feelings. I had so many other memories here, but the ones of him and the day he asked me out often took over. I wrote a poem, a poem to whoever got the chance to be with me one day. Read More »
Frequently as I can manage, I stand with my toes in the wet sand and stare out at the Pacific Ocean. The amount of revelations I have had while standing on some San Diego County beach is endless. I spend all my time inside my own head: thinking, wondering, processing.
I remember once as a kid, boogie boarding with my family. My boogie board flipped over and for too long, I couldn’t get on the other side. I was stuck underneath the board. When I finally was able to push the board out of my way (after being sure of my death), my mom and brother were a few feet away, laughing and playing. It was the first time I understood the ocean as a terrible force. I still loved it, but it terrified me.
Something being terrifying and horrible does not stop love.Read More »
Last night I got dinner with two young men that I hadn’t spent quality time with in over a year. The last time I had hung out with either of them individually, neither was allowed to legally drink. Now the three of us sat around a table drinking beer and eating sliders. (OK, I had cider, but the cashier called it a beer when he handed it to me. SO. Counts.)
Anxiety became a topic of conversation between us, and the words coming from one of them echoed what I had been processing lately. Anxious thoughts, flashbacks, triggering moments… they need to exist in what they are. Pushing down the anxiety and trying to control it will make it worse. Read More »
Let’s go back to January 1st, 2011. It was a bad 20th birthday. After my dad cursed me out via email and my dinner plans fell through, I had decided to lock myself up for the rest of the day. Thankfully, a couple friends decided against that and took on making plans for me that night. I was in a lot of pain emotionally, but we had fun. I felt loved.
Afterwards, we went to one of their houses. I began to feel separated. The self-hating words came back so easily into my brain. Words I thought I had fought off over the years. You’re worthless, Jaymie. You’re ugly, and you’re gross, and no one loves you. No one will ever love you. Read More »
“Nobody likes you when you’re 23” is what you’ll probably hear 6 or 7 times on your 23rd birthday. Thanks Blink-182 for these lyrics that will haunt all 23 year olds.
But there’s more to that: “And you still act like you’re in freshman year.” … which is a completely accurate description of how 23 has been for me.
Today’s the end of that. I’m glad 2014 is over. I’m glad that tomorrow I’ll be 24. It’s been a rough year. But I’ve accomplished a lot! I’ve graduated college, gotten a full-time job with benefits, went to a stuttering convention (what even!), had 7 cavities filled and a broken filling replaced all within a few hours… but I’ve made a lot of personal changes too. More than anything, I’ve learned that I have no idea how to handle things in a healthy and effective way. I’m starting to.
Here are 23 things I learned this year. Enjoy.
(PS: The pictures look best through Chrome Browser haha)Read More »