2016 was hard. I started the year disillusioned, heartbroken, mourning. I had a pending draft blogged called “24 Joyous Moments of being 24” – a blog in which I celebrated 2015. But 6 days before the end of 2015, my beloved Turbo was hit by a car right in front of me and passed away. Nothing could cheer me up. I received a promotion at work at the same time, but none of it mattered. If anything, the change only broke my heart more.
I tried to write the blog even after the most horrid of emotions passed, but I couldn’t. Maybe one day I’ll just post it as is, unfinished. Either way, the changes in my life continued me on an emotionally draining path. I moved to a new apartment with a new roommate, which felt like another goodbye to my dog and also had its own set of tensions. I did therapy. I did so much self-discovery that it hurts me now as I write. I wonder about life and secrecy. I got back into politics only to have the hope and goodness sucked out of me at the end of it all. Maybe politics does that, but I wish it wouldn’t.
2014 was Learning. 2015 was Joy (Almost). 2016 was… was what? Is “hard” the only word I have?Read More »
That Saturday afternoon at the beach was breezy, but not cold. I didn’t bring a sweater, but I winded up with his. We walked along the pier, looked at dolphins, and I thought “This is it, this is when he’ll ask me.” But he didn’t. So I sent my friends to talk to him. But he kissed me beneath the pier that night, a smug smile as if asking me to be his girlfriend was his own idea, as if I hadn’t just sent several of my friends to tell him to just do it.
It was 2006. October 21, 2006.
Then many years later, I remember standing beneath that same pier while I forced myself to deal with the conflicting feelings. I had so many other memories here, but the ones of him and the day he asked me out often took over. I wrote a poem, a poem to whoever got the chance to be with me one day. Read More »
Do you ever wonder how to hold onto the “good old days” while you’re living them? Everyone keeps telling you to “be present,” but do you know the most important part of being “present” is to… let go?
Grief, exhaustion, pain… sometimes these are other words for life. I’ve been reflecting a lot about my struggle with finding peace, but I have found that there is one piece of all of this that I have had right. I often stress about the future and live in the past, and I have struggled with allowing people the room to change and grow. But I’m growing.
Particularly lately, I’ve heard a LOT about living present in the moment. I think the first time this idea occurred to me in a way that I understood was when I watched the finale of The Office. Read More »
Change can be heartbreaking and devastating and difficult, and it can also be wonderful. Often when we are in the change, there are no words to express the day-to-day. We process our emotions or thoughts with loved ones, but expressing ourselves is too overwhelming.
My views on God over the years have shifted, changed, grown, expanded, froze, and so much more. While I rarely doubt an actual existence, I question damn near anything else. A near God or a far God, a forgiving God or a just God, a God who allows His people to grow by steps, or one who expects us to follow what He taught in Biblical days? (All of these topics and more would could make separate blog posts, but that isn’t what I’m doing tonight.)Read More »