IMG_3412june 11th, 2016 turned into june 12th, 2016. i was awake after a long day at Out at the Fair at the San Diego County fair. it was my first time at a pride centered event. the lgbtq community was becoming more and more important to me as i started attending my open and affirming church each week. i now noticed the harm that the community was put through by the mainstream christian church that i had been a part of my whole life. i knew it was time for me to be more vocal about being an ally. so that day we celebrated. we waved tiny, plastic rainbow flags as we cheered for our friends as they performed music. we watched carly rae jepsen perform at the main stage. we went to the gender-neutral bathrooms and laughed at the people who were freaking out about it. the world had far to go, but we were moving forward. it felt like it, at least.

there is no memory for why i was awake so late that night. i didn’t often stay up past midnight and i know i was extremely tired that day. orlando, florida was three hours ahead. pride month was raging. i was refreshing twitter, which i often do when i can’t sleep. @elielcruz, a religious bi activist i follow on twitter, was still awake on the east coast as he tweeted the facebook status from Pulse Orlando:

“Everyone get out of pulse and keep running”

in a world of instant updates, the lack of information was confusing and overwhelming. hostages. shooter still in the club. people running. people dying. people being shot. phone calls. i went to facebook and refreshed the status. i went to twitter. i checked the news. i googled. there was not enough information. people seemed to think the chaos was slowing down, that the murderer had done the worst of his damage. i felt guilty for my fatigue. i was the only person i knew who knew. the rest of my world was asleep. i went back and forth between apps until my eyes were impossible to keep open.Read More »