My views on God over the years have shifted, changed, grown, expanded, froze, and so much more. While I rarely doubt an actual existence, I question damn near anything else. A near God or a far God, a forgiving God or a just God, a God who allows His people to grow by steps, or one who expects us to follow what He taught in Biblical days? (All of these topics and more would could make separate blog posts, but that isn’t what I’m doing tonight.)
This week in particular, I have noticed a pattern in things I was being taught through podcasts, conversations, and sermons. I could see a clear topic for me.
My faith in a personal God who intertwines Himself with my life has been confusing since my time at APU. I sat next to people in class who believe God is a far-away God… not in a bad way… just in a… He is working on bigger issues than us. I had a professor who asked her to support that belief, and she spoke of a frequently misquoted Bible verse and her own opinion on what it really means. What was difficult to me was that it made sense. Her reasoning wasn’t mindless or brainwashed.
Over the last year and a half, I have let go of my need for “everything to happen for a reason” and have accepted that life just IS sometimes. I talk about this more in When Evil Prevails, a post from last year. I left that blog post very unsure still, and very conflicted. Today I started to come back to a belief that SOME things happen for a reason. Not everything, like I once believed. I don’t *need* to see things connect like I once did. I still believe some things that happen are reasonless, and that those injustices just are what they are. But today I realized that God is still teaching me, and that some things are still connected.
It is not an accident that this week I have heard a sermon, a podcast, and had conversations that are all opening my mind to a particular issue that I have been having. God is here: alive in my life and teaching me still. Though I don’t really know who He is, He knows who I am. He is still teaching me, even when I feel lost. And there is so much peace and joy and thankfulness in that. Amidst all the confusion and aching for this world, God is still communicating with me in a way that He knows I will understand and see.
I believe that. I doubt it to some degree (what if it is just pure luck, I find myself asking). I don’t see this as “proof of God’s existence” like I used to. But I do see it as a lesson being taught to me, and I believe it is God helping me learn to grow. For that, I find joy.