As people who have read my blogs in the past, you may know about my posts like God likes me I like me. Good enough for me or Who says you’re not good enough or Confidence is sexy, but Jesus is flawless. All those blogs are about my struggling with this idea of confidence. I would get surges of confidence that would last me a night or two if I was lucky.
But lately, I’ve noticed a change in habit.
When I look in the mirror before I hop in the shower… I think “Sweet bod” instead of “Gross,” even though nothing has changed. Now, I’m not going to dress differently or apply for a model position… I’m still realistic. I’m still overweight. But that doesn’t mean I’m not awesome looking too. And it isn’t true every single time I look in the mirror, but it’s true a lot of the time.
But that isn’t it. Physical acceptance isn’t enough. It’s been my personality too. As I got ready for school this year I thought, “Screw hiding away in my room all year. I am awesome and people will be lucky if they get to know me.” This might sound egotistical, but the truth is that I have always found other people vastly more interesting than myself. So this isn’t me thinking, “They’re missing out on life if they don’t get to know me” because that isn’t true, there are TONS of awesome people. But it is a realizing that I’m not so awful that I have to hide myself from people… or thinking that I’m lucky if someone decides I’m worth walking over to and saying hi to. Nope. Now I’m going to go find people. I love people. Why shouldn’t I make new friends? If they reject me, I can handle that. But I would love to get to know people, to see if I can be used to make a difference in their lives.
And here’s my thoughts about that.
I always thought it was bad to be that kind of confident. But what I’ve learned is that I am not controlled by it. The ONLY reason I have this confidence is because God takes care of my needs and He is the one that I rely on. So BECAUSE I am satisfied in Him, I can focus on other people instead. Instead of hoping that people will satisfy my for acceptance, I realize that I am always accepted by my Savior so I don’t need to worry about it.
I’m stoked that God can use me. I’m not able to speak into people’s lives very well on my own. I have been known to get super clingy and hang onto unhealthy relationships because I’m so insecure. But I’m His daughter. My identity is set. I am valuable because He has made me valuable, because He died on a cross and set my life-worth as “To Die For” so that I couldn’t define it on my own. Thank GOODNESS because based on my decisions in the past, my value would be terribly low if I got to set it myself… and it would change. Thankfully, God’s story is set. And my value is His decision.
This belief has TOTALLY warped my views about everything. The way I view myself and the way I view others. I’ve had this as head knowledge for years. But something inside of me didn’t believe it. The trials and pains and joys and highlights of the last twenty-two years have been used by God to transform me. I tried to transform myself. I read books and I would cry because I wanted to be like the author. I wanted to love myself. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to believe in my heart that God’s value of me was enough. And I didn’t. It wouldn’t sink in. I’m not sure what I was holding onto. I have no idea when it changed. But it did.
God changed me.
Maybe I had zero influence in the decision, you know?
I’m not perfect.
I feel kinda crappy that I needed to buy all new pants because I “outgrew” all mine.
But I’m cool with that… because it doesn’t change my value.
I don’t always believe that. But I’m on my way there. I believe it right now. I believe it deep down in my heart in a way that I never have before.
And that’s amazing.
Please, please, PLEASE feel free to share any and all stories of your own walk with God and the proofs of His grace in your life. <3 I would love to hear it!