Divorce and God and Me and Stuff

“And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

I don’t know the context of this quote, but it reminded me of a night this summer.

And how I am forever changed.

God does big things. Did you know that? I don’t just mean amazing miracles and changing the world kinda stuff. I mean big stuff in your life. With you.

Let me set you up.

.

I am back at Azusa Pacific University and at our Wednesday night chapel, Kaleo, Pastor Woody said something that got to me. He read this from Genesis 1 on our first Kaleo.

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Another translation says that the earth was “void“. Another translation says there was chaos. Basically, God does something huge (creation) with… nothing.

How often do we feel like we have nothing in our own life? If God can do so much with nothing in a big scale, who is to say He cannot do it on a personal level? Here is my story of God doing something with… well, chaos and emptiness.  A void I have had for years that. One God has given water to this summer to bloom up one day.

A couple of months ago, I had hung out with my girl group of the summer (Stephanie, Marissa and Serena) and we had a fun night in San Diego. On the way home, the discussion of marriage had come up. Stephanie and Marissa had told me to read a book on the role of women in marriage. Needless to say, I despised this book with my entire being. I said over and over that if I could throw it in a lake, I would – but I could not because it was on my Kindle. But I kept reading it. On the drive home, Marissa and I went back and forth on our “discussion”.

Then Stephanie stopped us. And she said somethings I’ll never forget. It was clear that God was speaking through her as she went on. I felt exposed and caught. Tears filled my eyes. I could not speak back to her, as my throat refused to open.

When she dropped me off at home, I cried and cried. I journaled and I cried out to God.

I had unknowingly been planning for divorce. I was getting an education not because I wanted to, per se (though I do), but just in case. I wanted job experience, just in case. I expected someone to give up on me. I expected that I would give up. I expected I would end up with a guy who would turn against me and “my” family (ie, children). I had no discernment, I thought, and would not know until it was too late.

I was afraid to hope. I was afraid to lean on God. What if I ended up with an abusive husband? What if I didn’t know he was abusive until we had kids? I would HAVE to take “my” kids away. Divorce had to be an option.

“You will never face that, Jaymie. God is going to break the disunity that has plagued your entire family with you. The spirit of disunity will be broken through you because God said so”

And I cried.

The last sentence in that night’s journal entry was “I can feel the chains of divorce shattering”. And I could. I can.

My hopeless romantic tendencies began at an early age. In Kindergarten, I got down on one knee and proposed to the love of my life. He said yes. It fell through, as most first loves do. Ha. I moved on and liked other boys. I told each of them. At my eighth grade graduation dance, I told a boy that I loved him. It’s embarrassing to look back on until I realize that I hardly changed. I used to lie in bed at night, confessing to my ceiling the love I had for one boy or another. But I began to expect rejection. It was as embraced to me as confessing my love. The last time I said those words to a boy in a “romantic” way, so to speak, I was nineteen years old and following it up with “but I know you don’t feel the same”. Not because I knew that but simply because I expected it.

After that, I worked on who I was. I chased God, for the most part. I had my off days. But I refuse to profess my love and desire for another guy if he has not already done so with me. That is not the role I am meant for. I hate leading relationships, which is what my past relationships were. Me in control. My boyfriend was my slave, more or less. I have no desire to be a slave to someone – but I refuse to have the control anymore.

I want a leader. Not a slave.

(Before you assume I mean that I want to be a slave, keep reading please! I get to this!)

So I will wait. I will probably hint at it and tell all some guy’s friends that I like him (and swear them into secrecy) because I’m still pretty terrible at this thing. I’ll be awkward and weird and this guy will probably figure it out on his own (again, I’m just really bad at this subtle thing). But I will not step forward and say, “Here I am. Date me!”. My only step forward will me “Here I am, God. Choose me to do Your will” and hope deep inside of me that some guy happens to notice when God calls me and I follow God. But that feeling has nothing to do with why I am stepping out. Because even if God told me that no man of His will never notice me, I will still follow Him.

The point is that I am giving up control. God has got that. Don’t get me wrong. I expect God to bring a man who treats me with love and respect because he honors God above all else. I’m not going to date some dude off the street would rather profess his love of me before his love of God.

This all hit me very soon after that night of a break down. I went to the Jordan. I had finished off this anti-feminist book on a Monday and went to The Jordan at North Coast Church that Thursday. Pastor Jeff went on a limb. He was talking about the definition of the church and brought up us being the bride of Jesus. And how “bride” does not mean what we mean by it today. How the biblical marriage is a bride submitting to her husband and his vision (and he protects her, serves her, dies for her, and takes her mistakes on himself). I greatly respect Jeff but if I had heard him say it a week earlier, I would have been furious. Instead, I felt called upon. I felt directed. I felt cherished. I felt captivating. Moreso, I knew he was right when he said, “If a wife has one vision and the husband has another vision then you have two visions – and that’s division”. Because as much as I didn’t want to believe it, it stuck with me all night and all week and all month.

That’s division.

I have no idea what my “one day” looks like yet. I have not met a guy that first professes his love of God and then his adoration of me. I am not even close to knowing a guy that would get on one knee in front of me (a leader, showing his desire to serve). But I know he will be a leader. I know he’s out there. Maybe in training. But I am not going to look for him anymore. I’m going after God.

I pray that from here on out, my blog posts (be it on wordpress or tumblr) will be about God’s desires for my life and will be about the amazing things God is having me do. There is plenty for me to do now.

I apologize if this blog was a bit scattered. And if you greatly disagree with me, feel free to comment. My heart for this subject has changed so drastically that it quite frightens me. But now that I have let my feelings known, I plan to not speak of this subject much again unless I feel called to or unless my situation changes.

All the glory be to God, who is Almighty.

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5 thoughts on “Divorce and God and Me and Stuff

  1. I like this. I want to talk to you about this (when we are both not crazy busy of course xP). I miss you <3 Also it seems like my schedule is going to stay pretty set re: Subway/classes/etc. and so I think I'm working every Saturday :(.

  2. So profound, Jaymie! A real breakthrough of accepting God’s best for you. This is a message to share with your college girls. You can have a great influence!

    • Thank you Mrs. Olson!! It was quite a breakthrough. I think I now know why the word “break” is in breakthrough haha. I will be sharing it anytime it comes up! I hope God uses it and am excited.

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