Are There Three of Me? (I Feel It Is So)

I guess sometimes I still do not believe it.

I think that is one of the most difficult things about doing a mission trip without people you were already close to. How do you hold onto what happened there? Without anyone to remind you, how does it stay real?

My own past with people who were in it still around me can be difficult to accept the realness of.

Let alone something that happened across the world in a third world country with only Africans as my friends. It was amazing. But it feels so… far away. Like it happened to someone else. Like it was a dream.

I started a DTS. And I didn’t finish. God called me home and I came home. Why? Why can’t I still be there? I can adapt to any situation. But who am I? As far as I am aware, there are three Jaymies.

One is Past Jaymie. Past Jaymie is dead now, something I am thankful for. Past Jaymie dated three guys and was really selfish, always fighting for attention and always causing problems in the household. Past Jaymie was unbelievable lazy. I might as well call her Jaymie of the World or Sinful Jaymie or Flesh Jaymie. But I like Past Jaymie instead as a reminder that it is not connected to me now. Sometimes I see Past Jaymie rising her way up in my heart. But with the newness of Christ, she can be pushed away, pushed down. Crushed in God’s love. She isn’t me now.

Two is Renewed Jaymie or Reborn Jaymie. This is me. The Jaymie that Christ came and redeemed and lives by the Spirit and is made whole in Christ. Still broken at times but healed in Christ’s power. A struggling being, she does attempt to make herself whole with other things like friends or boys and sometimes wastes a lot of time. But she is not called a sinner. She is a Christian, a beloved child of Christ – who sins, obviously and of course, but it is no longer her title because she has been redeemed. She has a personality that seems to be set in stone and is awkward and loud and strange. She struggles but lives.

Three is African Jaymie. She rises early in the morning and loves quiet time with her tea. Distractions can be set aside though she is often tempted to be distracted. She laughs quietly and has a quiet and gentle spirit. She says her opinion when asked but not before. She does not make eye contact with strangers and is usually quiet at all times. She does her work well without complaining. She is whole in Christ. She struggles as well – with anger and gossip the most. She is afraid that she will continue in her old struggles and old ways when she returns home. I seem to have trouble holding onto this Jaymie. She slips between the cracks of my fingers. She does not speak quickly so maybe she does not totally belong in my world. But I need her to survive this life.

And I have no idea how to combine two and three. Those are my thoughts.


One thought on “Are There Three of Me? (I Feel It Is So)

  1. Hey Jaymie, the good thing about this is God has already done something new in your life, the Jaymie that came to africa and God told her to go back home, is for a purpose. One thing I know is, God never do anything in a man’s Life and is not for good. He says everything works together for good to those who LOVE him and are called according to his purpose. Your african life is still useful before God, he Will use it, is not for nothing. Trust God to show you What to do at this point. He is FAITHFUL.


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