Start with yourself. Here is my most recent diary entry with minor edits for privacy of others.
When I was told last year that God needed to teach me how to be myself, I thought it was wise. It was, too. But I did not totally understand what that person meant. I knew that too and also knew I would learn it sooner or later.
This year I am not at Azusa Pacific has been a time for me to “discover” myself, so to speak, which is not what I intended. It is bizarre. The whole “college kid taking a year off to find herself” actually happened – though to be fair I stayed in a community college half the time and am spending the other half in a third world country.
But here it is:
I am different.
I am not a Proverbs 31 woman.
I am not a perfect Christian girl like my some of the girls at my church, like Callie or Serena or Delaine or Jana (yes, I do often feel you are perfect, shhh).
I get really, really loud. I like to dance awkward for the sake of making other people feel awkward. I cannot sing… but I do it anyway. I am so quick to begin a political or theological debate. I love to shut myself off for an entire day and read, ignoring everyone. I LOVE to rock out on concerts until I can hardly breathe (though I rarely get the chance). The big one: I voice my opinion, loudly and often.
And you know what? I love all these things. They are not flaws, especially not in and of themselves. It is me. And the world needs a person like me. That’s why God made me this way.
I will never be like some girls I know, who seem to have that perfect blend of a quiet spirit and timidity mixed with fun. And I am happy with that.
I love me. I love who I am. I love who God made me. I love my body. I love my personality. I love my faith in God.
Maybe one day, there will be a man who loves all my quirks too. He will smile at me when he realizes someone just prompted me for a debate – maybe he will even be the type that joins in, who knows? All I know is that he will not complain that I am not a standard, boxed set Christian girl – one that honestly does not even exist. He will be shocked that he is lucky enough to have me.
And if I never met a man like that? Then I’ll keep being the me that God made me. Because I will not change to get someone who will never fully love me for me. I will keep pressing on towards the goal of Jesus Christ.
One day, people WILL know my name. And I will not be ashamed. I will point all glory, all honor and all mercy to Christ, so the whole world knows.
And I will be exactly who Christ created me to be. Loved, worthy, perfected in Christ alone.