I stood in the Doctor’s office alone. I knew the drill but I was used to having a female doctor. But this switch was necessary for my health. I trusted the doctor completely. But I couldn’t do it. I began to cry.
Tears streamed down my eyes as I slipped out of clothes and slipped the gown over my head. Even then – I could not take off all my clothes for the routine mole check. This was my moment of defeat.
In so many ways, God has blessed me in this. The fact that I haven’t had a date in three and a half years is a blessing – a HUGE, MASSIVE blessing. Because I thought time would heal me. I thought God would just wave His magic wand (which may not be biblical) and that I would be cured. I thought my issues were done. It has been two years. I think I should be over it.
But I’m not. I yelled at God that I was weak. I told him I needed His help. I cried in His arms so many nights, knowing that He could set me free.
But I never admitted that I would need the help of another human. I never thought it would come down to this. I never thought my mom would have to know I needed help for anything.
So when my doctor told me afterwards, as I spoke to him, about going to counseling, I froze. I didn’t need that, I had Jesus. Duh. But he knew. He saw my golden little cross necklace and knew. Wanna know how I knew that? He said that his concern was that if I ever wanted to be intimate with someone (pause) or be married and be intimate with someone (it is also possible I flinched during that pause). But I still needed counseling.
So I was angry, upset. I got the list of counselors from my mom’s insurance but I still didn’t want to do it. Then a friend gave me Biblical examples of counseling. He promised me it had done good for his family. He told me that healing is more than just the pain stopping – it is the sick coming out. And that I can’t do that on my own. It’ll bond me with others and teach me about myself more than any other way could.
Can I be honest again? I still don’t want to do it. I’m still scared. I still think that my problems are too small and that the therapist will laugh at me – a lie of Satan, I know, but I think it. But then I remember crying in the doctor’s office and God whispering that this isn’t His plan for me. I’m not the person who is crying because someone asking me to do a simple task causes the emotional flashbacks of paralyzing fear and shame. I don’t even want to post this blog and admit to you guys that I’m really messed up.
But I have promised honesty in this blog. And my mind can’t escape this topic. And it is a huge life decision because this is what I have decided:
I am going into recovery. This marks my journey into a new, better life. One in which I can go to sleep happy more than 2-3 times a year. One in which I will like who I am. One that God has created and planned for me. I am excited! I am scared for the next few months but excited for everything else.
And to anyone who thinks I “overshare”: Take a walk in my shoes. This is how I heal. And this is how people can either help me or learn from me. If you would rather see me as perfect, don’t read it. Simple as that.
Don’t put off recovery. Don’t think your problem is too small. Don’t listen to Satan’s lies for two whole years or more before you realize you need other people – people who are trained to help you.
I need it. Don’t we all?