You have to give up. You cannot go on anymore. You can’t run on empty. Eventually, you run out of gas and you break down. If you’re lucky, you’ve pulled yourself into a safe area, like your room alone or at a church during a really intense worship song so you’re totally allowed to cry. Or maybe you didn’t make it that far and you break down while talking to someone or at school or work. Maybe you start screaming because that’s how you ignore the pain for a short time. Maybe you don’t let go. Maybe you push your car and emotions along, despite being sore and weak from everything else. Maybe you play it strong.
But you are broken. I am broken. We are all broken. We cannot push our cars forever. We have a stopping point. We can’t pretend things are all right forever, at least not to ourselves. And not to our God.
See here’s the thing: God knows everything. He knows how you get angry with Him sometimes. He knows when you can’t take the world anymore. He knows. And He’s been through it all too. See that is what makes God so special. Not only does He know everything, but He understands. This all-knowing Father wraps His arms around you when you are too weak to go on anymore – when your parents hit you or boyfriend cheats on you or friend back stabs you. He doesn’t leave when you hit Him or make your life all planned out without Him involved. He’s there. And there isn’t anything you can do to stop Him from loving you.
A lot of my friends are having bad days or bad weeks or bad months or a bad year. College kids are strained because we have so much left still to do. Parents are hurting as their children seem to be able to live life on their own, making plans and prayers that the parents didn’t have a part in making. Friends are fighting, children are crying, relationships are aching. We all need something.
David goes through this too, you know. As in, David the King. The one they say was “a man after God’s own heart” – which is like the biggest bible compliment ever. David struggled. He hurt. He fought God. He made his own plans. You know what we learned from him? DON’T DO IT. David did one thing right – he always turned back to God. He messed up… a lot. But he always turned back to God. And God always loved him. God’s does that for us too and we don’t have to kill people He didn’t want us to just to receive that love or grace. I mean, it happens, I guess. Not with me, but maybe with you. Though… in my heart I’ve killed people though and Jesus says it’s the same thing.
So I guess that makes God seem pretty cool. But you wanna know what the best thing to do is? Give our lives over to Him. When we try to fight His will – it happens anyway. Think of Jonah fighting God about preaching – that was like me going to APU. Well a whale of realization saved me from the ocean of “crap-I-need-to-stop-pissing-God-off” and spit me out at the admissions office at APU. Fine, God, I get it. You want the best for me. You’ll take care of me. And if I listen to You, maybe I’ll be a little happier about where I end up. Because I’m going to end up there anyway.
So God, how about I give my life over to You – again. And again. And again. I have NO idea what you are up to. I have NO idea if this “big decision” I’ve been thinking about will happen or not. I have no idea. And it’s time for me to stop worrying about it. Stop worrying that I have no money in my bank account – it’s with You now. Stop worrying that my roommate wants to move into a townhouse next year and I really really want to except that I’m hating school at the moment. Stop worrying that I hate school. STOP STOP STOP. I’m going to be FINE. God is going to protect me. He wants me at APU this year and I need to BE at APU for Spring 2011. I need to stop placing my mind in Fall 2011 or Spring 2012. I need to stop placing my mind in 2008. I need to stop placing my mind anywhere except God’s hands!
Anyone else fight God? Anyone else need rest? Does anybody in this world feel like me?