So you step back & ask

 "Can't she save me?

  Can't he save me?"

The gods yell NO

And you scream YES

And the fire overwhelms.

     It's a sacrifice

You're the sacrifice 

   "And no one can

      save you now"

mutters the gods to you, but also to themselves.

If fire burns brightly &

   then you turn to dust

won't you shine for me

won't your fire

      catch me too?

Can you light my life

    I'll take the risk

          We disappear

Won't you be here?

   Won't you be near?

Can you stand in between

   me & my fear?

can you catch me 

        off guard

can i catch you when

      you fall

Let's take the plunge

   And maybe we'll find


And maybe you'll find 


And perhaps this world,

 this life, will mean something

   to us after all

A Simple Praise for God’s Teaching

IMG_0704My views on God over the years have shifted, changed, grown, expanded, froze, and so much more. While I rarely doubt an actual existence, I question damn near anything else. A near God or a far God, a forgiving God or a just God, a God who allows His people to grow by steps, or one who expects us to follow what He taught in Biblical days? (All of these topics and more would could make separate blog posts, but that isn’t what I’m doing tonight.)Read More »

When You Still Love People Who Did Terrible Things to You

IMG_1278Frequently as I can manage, I stand with my toes in the wet sand and stare out at the Pacific Ocean. The amount of revelations I have had while standing on some San Diego County beach is endless. I spend all my time inside my own head: thinking, wondering, processing.

I remember once as a kid, boogie boarding with my family. My boogie board flipped over and for too long, I couldn’t get on the other side. I was stuck underneath the board. When I finally was able to push the board out of my way (after being sure of my death), my mom and brother were a few feet away, laughing and playing. It was the first time I understood the ocean as a terrible force. I still loved it, but it terrified me.

Something being terrifying and horrible does not stop love.Read More »

Allowing the Anxiety to Exist: A Post About Breakdowns and Connecting with Others

unnamed“We need one another. There’s no reason to judge. People are more fragile than you could possibly imagine.”

– Jamie Tworkowski If You Feel Too Much

Last night I got dinner with two young men that I hadn’t spent quality time with in over a year. The last time I had hung out with either of them individually, neither was allowed to legally drink. Now the three of us sat around a table drinking beer and eating sliders. (OK, I had cider, but the cashier called it a beer when he handed it to me. SO. Counts.)

Anxiety became a topic of conversation between us, and the words coming from one of them echoed what I had been processing lately. Anxious thoughts, flashbacks, triggering moments… they need to exist in what they are. Pushing down the anxiety and trying to control it will make it worse. Read More »

My Fresh Ink – Why It Matters

Rocking a bathing suit and my brand new ink – “Redeemed”

“The tattoo was his journal, a story etched on his arm. And when Hunter sees it, he remembers those days when he was changed, and when love was rich and deep.”

The Significance of How You Tell Your Story / Al Andrews

Let’s go back to January 1st, 2011. It was a bad 20th birthday. After my dad cursed me out via email and my dinner plans fell through, I had decided to lock myself up for the rest of the day. Thankfully, a couple friends decided against that and took on making plans for me that night. I was in a lot of pain emotionally, but we had fun. I felt loved.

Afterwards, we went to one of their houses. I began to feel separated. The self-hating words came back so easily into my brain. Words I thought I had fought off over the years. You’re worthless, Jaymie. You’re ugly, and you’re gross, and no one love you. No one will ever love you. Read More »